1. It must be crispy. Bacon lovers don’t like to chew. Soft spots are not allowed.
2. It must not be too salty. How can I eat a pound of bacon in one sitting with all that salt?
3. It must not be burned. Dark brown. Not black.
4. It must not taste like ham. Flavored bacon is fine, just not ham flavored. If I wanted ham I’d buy ham.
5. It must not be microwaved. Deep fry, pan fry, oven fry. Never microfry.
6. It must not be too thin or too thick. Too thin and it starts to break before it hits my mouth. Too thick and it’s bound to be chewy.
7. It must be fully stocked at all times. It’s 1am and I need bacon. Don’t make me get dressed to get bacon.